


Fault Lines in My Armor

by arsenicandsunshine



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternative Scene, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arthur's Not A Prat, Canon Era, Episode: s05e05 The Disir, First Kiss, It's All Okay In The End, M/M, Magic Revealed, Season/Series 05, he loves merlin, they work it out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-22 11:43:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20873657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arsenicandsunshine/pseuds/arsenicandsunshine
Summary: What if when Merlin's breaking apart over what to tell Arthur to do regarding the Disir, Arthur can tell he's upset over something more than just Mordred and pushes for the truth. And Merlin tells him.A what if Merlin told Arthur about his magic when Arthur asked him what to answer the Disir. Alternative scene, takes place in season five, episode five "The Disir."





	Fault Lines in My Armor

**Author's Note:**

> Also, it’s fanfiction and I can do what I like. Gwen who? Arthur’s lovely friend Gwen that he’s very not married to here? That Gwen? 
> 
> I’m not picking sides here. I love Gwen and Arthur. I also love Merlin and Arthur. It’s fanfiction. I CAN SHIP EVERYONE. Anyway.

“Everything here….is so full of life.” 

Merlin lost himself a little, staring over the fire and into the trees. 

“Every tree. Every leaf. Every insect.” 

His senses—his magic—were buzzing. Like he’d never felt more awake. 

“It’s as if the world is vibrating. As if everything is much more than itself.”  
  
That brought him back to the moment. He turned his head to find a very incredulous looking Arthur. 

“You feel all that?” 

Hopeful and a little drunk on the old forest, Merlin asked, “Don’t you?” 

Arthur’s sure shake of his head dropped like a penny in the air. Merlin’s smiled faded and he moved back to his seat on the bank opposite Arthur. 

“What will you do?” 

They talked about Arthur. About Arthur’s heart versus Arthur’s sense of duty to what his father had built. Breaking Merlin’s heart a little further, as Arthur repeated Uther’s views on sorcery. 

He wasn’t really expecting Arthur to just punt the question back to him. He tried to dodge it, but Arthur kept pushing. 

“It’s not like you to be silent.” 

“The kingdom’s future is at stake.” 

He shifted in his seat. Trying to settle the emotions already threatening to choke him. Another potential opportunity to turn Arthur towards magic. 

“And a man’s life.” 

Mordred. 

“You must protect Camelot. You must protect the world you spent your life building. A just and fair kingdom for all.” 

Merlin resigned himself to the fact that would be as much of an argument for magic that he’d be getting in this time around. 

There’d be no return of magic to land if his vision came true. 

Arthur was buying exactly none of it.

“You’d have me sacrifice a friend?” 

Merlin focused on taking deep breathes, trying to calm his emotions. There was so much at stake here. 

“I’d have you become the king you’re destined to be.” 

Which you can’t do if you’re dead. The thought rattled through Merlin’s head. Again. 

Arthur jerked forward, his face crumpled into confusion. 

“If I do save Modred, all my father’s work will be for nothing.” 

Arthur’s face smoothed out in pure earnestness. Giving Merlin that look when he was asking his servant, his confident, his friend, for advice. 

“Sorcery will reign once more in Camelot. Is that what you want?” 

Why didn’t Arthur just stab him. It would hurt less. 

Merlin choked back a sob, his shoulders heaving. He didn’t answer. Arthur’s face settled back into the confusion. 

“Perhaps my father was wrong.” 

He continued, trying to spark something out of Merlin. 

“Perhaps the old ways aren’t as evil as we thought.” 

Merlin pressed his lips together, his heart breaking at the look on Arthur’s face and all the things he couldn’t say. 

“So what should we do?” 

Merlin broke his gaze, unable to keep his resolve and keep staring at Arthur. 

“Accept magic?” 

Tears stung at Merlin’s eyes. The thing he wanted the most, the thing he had wanted the most for years, heaving through his shoulders. Everything inside him was cracking and breaking, and coming together in hope. Hope he was left fighting against with every once of his will. Not now. 

“Or let Mordred die?” 

Not even that reminder could settle him now. Merlin willed the knot in his throat and the tears stinging his eyes down. Or he tried to at least. Everything. Ever last feeling he'd felt since getting to Camelot—Arthur, the lies, the pain, all the scars he had born on his own—pushed their way up and stung his eyes.  
  
His heart was cracking in two. This was his moment. His chance to undo what he'd done when Uther died. And get Arthur back on the right track. Push Camelot towards its destiny. His destiny.  
  
He couldn't do it. If this prevented his vision from coming true, he couldn't say anything. It hurt to breathe, hurt to blink, hurt to exist. He couldn't tell Arthur to do the right thing, give magic a chance and save a life. He couldn't lose Arthur.  
  
Arthur was still staring at him, waiting for an answer. Eyes narrowing in suspicion at the lack of a real response. Merlin glanced at him briefly and then tore his eyes away, still attempting to will his damn unruly emotions back into place.  
  
Arthur was leaning forward, bracing his elbows on his knees.  
  
"Merlin?"  
  
Oh for fuck's sake. Now was not the time for Arthur to be taking that gentle tone with him.  
  
Or moving into his personal space. Arthur slid further forward, across the chasm between them and onto his knees in front of Merlin.  
  
"Merlin, what's wrong?"  
  
Merlin swallowed as best his could.  
  
"Nothing," his voice cracked.  
  
"I get the feeling this isn't about Mordred. Or the Disir."  
  
Oh but it was about it. All of it.  
  
Arthur placed his hand on Merlin's knee.  
  
"Merlin."  
  
"Gods, Arthur, stop."  
  
Arthur didn't move. Just raised his eyebrows.  
  
"Stop saying my name like that."  
  
"Merlin."  
  
Merlin broke. The tears coursing down his cheeks despite his best efforts to bottle them back up. Arthur was still on his knees, both hands on Merlin's legs now, his right hand gently running up and down Merlin's thigh.  
  
To his credit, Arthur didn't make any pratish comments. But Merlin was fully prepared to blame him for what was about to happen, because he'd confess to damn near anything with Arthur touching him like that. Looking at him like that.  
  
Merlin squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn't. He had to stuff everything back down, deep to the dark corners. Not now. Not when he had a chance to save Arthur.  
  
"Didn't realize you loved Mordred this much," Arthur said, dryly.  
  
Merlin laughed. Kind of. It came out more like a strangled gasp.  
  
"I don't, but I do love you this much."  
  
Merlin's eyes flew wide open when he realized he'd said that out loud. Arthur's hands froze on his legs.  
  
"What?" the King of Camelot squeaked out.  
  
Merlin found himself drowning in blue eyes. An ocean of unsettled emotions.  
  
"Merlin," Arthur squeezed Merlin's knees a little (and Merlin nearly squeezed the life out of his king's neck for continuing to say his name like that), "I'm not sure what you just said has to do with what I asked you.....or why you'd be sobbing over it now."  
  
Arthur's face tensed up as Merlin's silence stretched. His hand stilled on Merlin's thigh.  
  
"My lord," Merlin whispered.  
  
Arthur's hands squeezed back down on Merlin's legs enough to make him yelp.  
  
"Don't," he said, shakily, "Don't do that now."  
  
"I do love you," Merlin whispered, raising a hand and unfurled his fingers, flames dancing in his palm. He knew his eyes were shining gold right now. Knew not from the magic in his veins, but the frozen look on Arthur's face.  
  
For a long moment, neither of them moved. Arthur sucked in a long breath. His hands were forming bruises on Merlin's thighs, fingertips curling in tighter and tighter.  
  
"So are you going to tell me not all magic is evil?" Arthur attempted a joking tone but it fell like a stone between them.  
  
"Yes." Merlin said, finding his voice and his courage. If this was the way it went, then so be it.  
  
"Arthur, magic is a tool. People are evil."  
  
Arthur was staring at the tops of Merlin's knees.  
  
"I've only ever used my magic for you," Merlin grasped Arthur's chin and lifted it to meet his eyes, "Only for you."  
  
There was ice forming in Arthur's eyes. And definite bruises on Merlin's thighs as the king tightened his grip.  
  
"You lied to me," Arthur said, finally.  
  
What had felt like a chasm earlier now felt like an eternity. Even with Arthur's hands still burning holes in his thighs. 

“You would have had me hanged,” Merlin said. 

“Maybe.”

The uncertainity in Arthur’s face snapped something in Merlin, flooding even more pain and emotion through his veins.  
  
“I didn’t want to put you that position.” 

Arthur’s eyebrows flew up again and his face softened a bit. 

“That’s what you were worried about?” 

Of course. Among other things. Merlin pushed forward. 

“You just said it yourself. That maybe not all magic is evil."  
  
"So you think magic has a place in Camelot."  
  
Merlin pressed his lips together.  
  
"I know I do."  
  
Arthur's eyes were still thawing. His face was like the winter sea, tossing emotions left and right, waves in search of land. Merlin curled his hands together and rested his forehead on them. He tried to focus on taking one breath and then the next.  
  
"I know I want you too."  
  
Arthur's voice made him raise his head. Arthur was staring intently at his hands.  
  
"Arthur, it's your destiny to be the greatest king Albion has ever seen. To bring peace. And it's my destiny to be by your side."  
  
"You know the laws."  
  
"You're the king."  
  
"So this is the reason you've stuck around so long, huh?" Arthur asked, desperation creeping in at the edges of his voice.  
  
"No," Merlin's voice cracked, "No, that's the other thing."  
  
"That you said about loving me."  
  
Merlin would have preferred cracking some joke about how could he have possibly fallen in love with such a prat, but all he could do was take another shaky breath.  
  
"Arthur."  
  
He dropped his hands to his lap, wishing a little that Arthur would lean back. It was overwhelming having the king on his knees in front of him. His hands still on Merlin's legs. His face not enough inches away.  
  
"I'm sorry," Merlin whispered, the tears sliding down his cheeks.  
  
"What? No. Merlin, no."  
  
Oh now he was tenderly brushing tears off his face. Arthur really was going to be the death of him.  
  
"I-" Arthur started and then stopped, dropping one hand to Merlin's arm and squeezing. "I understand why you didn't say anything. Living in Camelot. In the king's household. And me blindly spouting my father's beliefs. You lied to me, and that stings. We’ll talk about it later. But you have nothing to be sorry for. Except maybe being the kingdom's worst servant."  
  
There may have been a broken attempt at a laugh there at the end, but Merlin couldn't tell. His eyes were squeezed shut, sobs he attempted to still shaking his body.  
  
"Oh Merlin," Arthur said, pulling Merlin forward into his arms, "Merlin, I'm sorry. Sorry you couldn't tell me."  
  
There was immeasurable sorrow and hurt in Arthur's voice and it broke Merlin into even more of a sobbing mess.  
  
His king didn't seem to mind. He just cradled Merlin's head to his shoulder and twined his fingers in Merlin's hair.  
  
It was however long later, when Merlin was out of sobs because he was out of breath, he realized he wasn't the only one crying. He brushed the tops of his knuckles gently back and forth over Arthur's shoulder, before he straightened up enough to put a hand on Arthur's neck. His thumb brushed up and down against Arthur’s skin.  
  
"Merlin," Arthur said, leaning his forehead against Merlin's.  
  
"I told you to stop saying my name like that," Merlin muttered, his own eyes closed.  
  
"Never," Arthur whispered.  
  
Merlin couldn't take it anymore, he turned his head and moved forward that fraction of an inch, pressing his lips to Arthur's. That was all it took. A dam broke and Arthur was kissing him back. Hard and bruising, scrapping Merlin's bottom lip with his teeth. Merlin tried not to moan, but then Arthur was sliding his tongue into his mouth. Arthur twined his hands through Merlin's hair even tighter as Merlin moaned into his mouth.  
  
Time and existence faded into the background as tongues and teeth broke apart the wounds and put them back together. Arthur was the one to finally break the kiss, gasping.  
  
"Merlin?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"My knees are killing me."  
  
Merlin pulled back and swallowed. "Oh."  
  
Arthur was pulling himself back into his former seated position. Merlin felt lost and awkward. Like his own skin didn't quite fit.  
  
"Merlin."  
  
He realized Arthur was holding out his hand. Merlin met him and Arthur drew him across and down to his side. He wrapped his arm around Merlin's shoulder and kissed the top of Merlin's head.  
  
"I wish you had told me," Arthur said.  
  
"I didn't want to get my head chopped off," Merlin answered, dryly. He could feel Arthur's fingers flex against his arm. 

Merlin buried his face in Arthur’s neck, breathing in his scent and listening to his heartbeat. 

“Would you have?”  
  
Arthur tightened his arms around Merlin.  
  
"I want to believe I never would have."  
  
The truth of the matter hung in the air, as Arthur pulled Merlin even close to him. By this point, he'd pretty much dragged Merlin on top of him. And hadn't responded to that other thing Merlin had said.  
  
"I never would have," Arthur repeated, tears shining in his eyes again. "I love you," he added, voice breaking, as he brushed his hand across Merlin's cheek.  
  
Merlin tried to choke out a response, but all that came out was a strangled sob of a sound. Arthur ran his hand up and down Merlin’s arm. He gently raised Merlin's chin and kissed him, slow and sweet. And then moved to kissing away the tears on Merlin's face.  
  
They stayed like that until the fire had nearly burned out and the chill in the air started to bite at the edges of their cocoon.  
  
"I guess we need to go face the Disir," Arthur said, his cheek against Merlin's hair.  
  
"Destiny awaits," Merlin cracked, moving to smile up at Arthur.  
  
"Indeed it does," Arthur said, looking back down at him with a soft smile on his face and gleam in his eye.  
  



End file.
